STORY TIME includes several stories by Aesop, poetry/rhymes from renowned English authors such as William Wordsworth, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Christina Rosetti.  Lullabies, bed-time stories such as Wynken, Blynken, & Nod, Jack Frost; Christmas classics The Story of The Nutcracker and The Night Before Christmas.   There's also poems and the story of Noah's Ark from the Bible.  While many cultures are represented, Christianity is the only religion that is addressed, but not as religion, instead as a source of beautiful writing.

The preface to each volume explains the logic behind the particular collection.  Here's a snippet from the preface for STORY TIME.

"Story Time" Begins with repetitive stories, short rhythmic stories in prose of the simplest possible plot, construction, and wording.  ...So we have these simple prose stories with a refrain repeated frequently like the one in "The Little Gray Pony" --

'What shall I do?  What shall I do?

If my little gray pony has lost a shoe?

The illustrations for the Nutcracker story are enough to give you a toothache.  That pile of -- well, to me it looks like cherries with a pile of sugar on top, but it's supposed to be sugar plums.  What IS a sugar plum? I've had plums, but what makes a sugar plum different? Is it one of those things like "acid jazz" -- a benign label with a glitter word to make it sound more intense?  And the ballerina dresses, big puffy-skirted ones are the stuff of  this little girl's dreams!

America is loosing its ties to its folk stories.  Here you'll find folk stories from the old world: pre-dictatorship Europe, imperial India, the Bible (as in the first volume, as a source of literature, not  preaching), and Native American cultures, as well as ancient Greece.  There's a piece of libretto from an opera and the story of a ballet.  Children have to get culture early, while their minds are still innocent. 

One of my favorites from this volume is "The Gingerbread Man", a folk tale from New England.  I like how they used a variety of illustration art in the design of the story: black and white inked drawings, silhouettes, and water color. 

The cover of the book has yet another adorable dress.  Two children in an idyllic pastoral setting: a forest with cute animals surround the children sitting on a huge rock by a creek -- it's better than Disney!

Another favorite is a story from India called "Rama and The Tigers".  This little boy has all his new clothes and umbrella stolen by some tigers.  Then the tigers all want to eat the little boy, so they run around a tree chasing each other faster and faster and faster!  They ran so fast they melted all away and left a big pool of butter, called "ghi".  Rama collected the ghi in a pot and took it home to his mom.  She used it to cook pancakes! I'm drooling as I type this. LOL.

Wilhelm Schiller's poem about a father coming home in the evening from a busy day of, I'm guessing chopping trees, has a sweet melancholy about it.  It reminds me of when I was reading J. B. Bury's book, THE INVASION OF EUROPE BY THE BARBARIANS.

Bury explains how Germany was so frustratingly difficult for Roman troops to conquer and control because it was so thickly forested.  When you live in south Texas, with its flat brushy, scrubby, cactus-y flatland, it's tough to conceptualize quite how tree-ridden central Europe is.  Villages separated by a mere mile of forest were so isolated that they ended up speaking vastly different dialects, which is one of the reasons the German of northern Germany is different from the German of southern Germany.  You can't conquer what you can't find.  It's similar to when English troops had to deal with native American tribes in New England.  The English had no concept of guerrilla warfare.  So, for the dad in the poem, spending the day in the forest is no mean feat.

Oh! And to top it all off, when I read Beatrix Potter's "The Story of Peter Rabbit", never did I imagine that one day, I would go to the location of one of her stories!  It's true. She wrote a story called "The Tailor of Gloucester" about a little old tailor and some magic mice that help him sew the tiniest, most perfect, beautiful stitches anyone ever saw.  Gloucester (glos-ster) is a city in the west of England.  It's mainly associated with cricket and rugby and the river Severn.  Potter lived there for a time and so, near its amazing gothic cathedral, there's a tiny house in College Court that's the Beatrix Potter Museum.  At the time I went, it had a window set up with a scene from "Tailor of Gloucester" and a souvenir shop where you could buy postcards and the story books. 

One of the best stories is "The Dancing Monkeys" by Aesop.  It reminds me of Young Frankenstein, and it's a cute story with an interesting semantic twist.  Other Aesop classics in the book include "The Hare and The Tortoise", and "The Lion and The Mouse".  There's even a poem by Heinrich Heine translated by Elizabeth Barrett Browning! How freaking cool is that for a kids' book!

And absolutely not to be missed is the story "The Village of Cream Puffs" by Carl Sandburg.  This little girl called "Wing Tip", who comes from the Village of Liver and Onions goes to visit her uncles in the Village of Cream Puffs.  People have to tie their houses down because the cream puffs are so light and fluffy, that they are in danger of floating away in a brisk wind.  Awwwwww..... Hee!

...because the workaholics will all be dead from strokes and aneurysms.

Yeah, so it's about quality, not quantity this time. Variety, too.  I didn't post as much, but the stuff I did post was actual stuff and not a lot of quiz wank.  Then as I was compiling the links, I was pleasantly surprised at how much variety was in this last batch.  It's always nice when you can impress yourself.

I started three different series in this last batch of posts! 

1. MY BOOK HOUSE -- a series of twelve volumes that compiles an awe-inspiring collection of literature tailored to children at various stages of intellectual development.  Epic!  Try eBay to find a set.
2. Professional journals -- I offer my commentary on which English journals are good and not so good.
3. Soccer books -- If you're a sucker for insider information, not so much stats, these are really good anecdotal stories.

New series introductory posts:

MY BOOK HOUSE: A Magnificent Series of Literature for Children: Vol. 1 IN THE NURSERY

NCTE'S ENGLISH JOURNAL: A Journal of The Secondary Section of NCTE

ONE YEAR TO THE WORLD CUP: LEGENDS FORMED & DEFORMED

 Writing about authors:

SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE (I WISH I’D THOUGHT OF THAT) Part 1

SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE 2

MY MODEST TRIBUTE TO FRANK McCOURT

 Writing about soccer was extra fun this summer with the USMNT reaching the finals of both the Copa de Oro and Confederations Cup! GO TEAM USA! (Carlos Bocanegra is really hot, btw.)  Russell Brand is a bloody good columnist.  He's going to host the VMAs again this year.  Yay!

Love & Blood: At The World Cup with The Footballers, Fans, and Freaks/Jamie Trecker 2007

THE GUARDIAN’S FIVER-isms: A Glossary for Glazey-Eyed

ARNS IN THE FAR: RUSSELL & HIS BRAND OF FOOTIE FANDOM (1)

 Bit o'romance.  The romance novel market is disgustingly glutted with poor writing and disastrous editing.  I'm a very picky shopper in this area and that's to your advantage.  I'm not a typical romance novel fan.  I'm too sane.

GAIL FAULKNER'S "GHOST UNIT" SERIES (Some spoilage)

Talking about 2009 PRE-ORDERS: FANNING THE FIRE OF DESIRE

       MY BOOK HOUSE was one of the greatest treasures of my childhood.  A twelve-book series where every volume addressed a particular age.  Many of the greatest stories of Western literature had a place in the volumes: stories from Shakespeare, stories from opera, heroes and icons of European and American literature, biographies, histories, you name it!  Twelve volumes! Every succeeding volume kicks it up a notch.

My little brother and I received our set when we were around 7 and 8.  My oldest brother sent it to us along with a couple of other book sets.  I still remember opening the boxes!  We were a reading family and so opening the boxes and pulling them out was like Christmas.  They were beautiful!  We made room for the set in the house like most people make room for furniture and family portraits.  Inside each volume was a fascinating world waiting to be explored.  Nowadays, it's easy to explain that the books were intellectually stimulating.  But back when I was 8, all I express was that the books made me hungry.  They made my eyes and my mind and my spirit hungry.  But kids being kids, grandkids, spring cleaning, moving family members in and out -- life put the kabosh (sp?) on the set and by the time I was in junior high, the one or two that were left were pretty ragged.  Then, in 2005, I decided to take a chance on eBay.  Oh my God!  Long story short...the end.

Sorry, too short.  On eBay, I found a set published roughly the same time as the set I had.  When I won that auction, I was singing a Hallelujah chorus a capella.  When I brought the set home from the post office, I went through about five of the books right away.  Looking at the illustrations, I felt overwhelmed by how familiar they felt.  I remembered my early reactions to them. They just felt so, so familiar, like I had never been away from them.  I remembered where my favorite bits from the stories were.  Even back when I was 8 and 9 years old, I was captivated by a particular turn of phrase or description.  It's all magic!

The left and right end papers.  They appear at the beginning and end of every volume. It was fun to figure out who all the characters were.  All the characters were featured in stories in the various volumes.

 VOLUME 1: IN THE NURSERY

The first volume in the series is nursery rhymes from all around the world, even places as exotic as Africa, what used to be Czechoslovakia, and Asia.  All the Americas are represented including Native American cultures.  Now, having been in reprints since the 1920s, some expressions and images are no longer politically correct.  I would not recommend this set for a classroom.  Better it should be enjoyed in a family setting where certain ideas can be discussed.  The rhymes are shamelessly euro-centric.  Think of Grimm's Fairy Tales and Charles Perrault and Mother Goose -- completely anglo-centric.  These are not black marks against the book though.  It's simply our Western literary heritage.  A modern child brought up on rap music and bombarded by sexual-oriented images might experience some serious culture shock at the purity and innocence of the rhymes and stories.  Even the illustrations are fossils of an era utterly gone from our modern consciousness.  I loved the illustrations! I loved the innocence of them.  They look like they are from the 1950s.  As a wee girl, I was fascinated by the illustrations of little girls' dresses -- voluminous skirts and ballet slippers and CURLS!  Oh! to have curls was my dream even more than being a ballerina.  Many of the illustrations in this volume are by Mariel Wilhoite. 

This particular volume is partly why I grew into such a devoted Anglophile.  I just wanted the dresses! LOL. 

Even reading through the table of contents was interesting (does anyone else pay attention to tables of content?).  Most of the rhymes don't have official titles and so just go by the first line.  As the first introduction to language, many of the rhymes start with an alliterative or onomatopoeic phrase:

• Daffy-Down-Dilly
• Goosey, Goosey Gander
• Handy-Spandy
• Hickety-Pickety
• Higgledy-Piggledy
• Hickory Dickory Dock
• Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake

Then there's the "Littles":

• Little Jack Horner
• Little Bo-Peep
• Little Miss Muffet
• Little Nanny Etticoat
• Little Beppo Pippo
• Little Boy Blue

Also represented is a child's fascination with objects: (some call this the "terrible twos")

• I had a little dog...
• I had a little husband...
• I had a little mule...
• I had a little nut tree...

There's even instructions for the correct way to play "Farmer in The Dell"!  This book is a celebration of innocence.  It's a language primer.  It's the beginning of literacy.  It should be read with an open heart and open mind, for fun. 

NCTE: National Council of Teachers of English [www.ncte.org]

English Journal is a fantastic publication! I love it.  This is my favorite one, so that's why I'm writing about it first.

Page for page, the articles are interesting, stick close to the theme of the issue, and offer methods and practices in clear language.  I don't know if that's a prerequisite for the journal, but the articles are easy to read.  It's also a very well-designed journal.  Blocks of text are relieved by charts and drop quotes, section titles in boldface, end notes, and assorted "bits and bobs" such as "EJ 75 Years Ago".  Those reflection sections remind me of one of my favorite paradoxes: the more things change, the more they stay the same.

NCTE also provides ENGLISH JOURNAL online, but you have to be a member to access the actual articles.  Middle (junior high/middle school) membership runs $40.00 plus the prices of the journals.  This one is $25.00 per year.

Every month, there's a new theme.  One of my favorite issues is May 2006: Contexts for Teaching Grammar. This month's theme (July 2009) is "For The Fun of It".  Topics range from lesson plans for immediate implementation to big picture issues like professional development (Nov. 2005).  The covers are often a treat, as well.  A sublime glass creation by Dale Chihuly, or a photo of a waterfall with colors so vivid you can feel the mist on your skin.  A playground with a jungle gym or a page from a hand-drawn manuscript.  And the articles are not the only resource.  Every one has a works cited list. The journal has its share of adverts.  They publish poetry, book reviews, and opportunities to participate in research.  The beginning of the journal has a page describing all the contributions they are accepting.  There are so many opportunities for teachers to contribute:  classroom practices, research, book reviews, photography, cartoons, poetry -- that relate to the theme of the issue.  Don't forget -- as a teacher of English, you should be writing for yourself and for your profession.  Getting published is exciting and makes you marketable.

Every teacher of English/Language Arts/Writing/Creative Writing/Honors English, even Reading, should invest in this particular journal in order to be a better teacher and a better professional.

  Takes place in November the week before Thanksgiving.

  Start preparing your students to make their contributions to the Gallery.  Start a gallery for your community.

Click here to go to the NCTE Homepage

In the months leading up to World Cup 2010/South Africa, I will be commenting on my collection of soccer books, thus combining two of my greatest loves. LOVE&BLOOD is available through major online retailers, i.e. Amazon, Borders, etc.  

This book has a blurb that’s actually useful. The idea of the micromanaging German establishment trying to keep things sane during the Big Show is laughable. During the summer of 2006, we could laugh at the Germans for good reasons. Jamie Trecker, the author, is an insider. He works for Fox Sports; his specialty being soccer. He’s been in the press trenches for two world cups (02, 06), and will most probably be in them again for 2010 in South Africa. His experiences are made more dramatic by the fact that he suffers from severe epilepsy and had to take copious amounts of medication. I don’t know how he survived. Sheer force of will, I guess.

When it comes to soccer, the only sport I care deeply about, I’m more of a “people person”. I love learning about the players, the managers, the politics. The gossip! Soccer gossip is way better than Hollywood gossip. Way, way better! The money is unreal! Grown men who own multinational whatsits bow down to lick the Diadoras (who have gone broke, btw.), Adidas, and Nikes of players like Christiano Ronaldo, Kaka, Zidane, and Ronaldinho (who’s on his last legs, having eaten all the pies!).

Soccer commercials during the World Cup season are hilarious and brilliant. Remember 2006? Eric Cantona, who once “autographed the face of a fan with his studs”, bursts into a German tv studio to take it over and spread the word about JOGA BONITO! Genius!!! Ronaldinho as a little boy, playing with a passion and love you NEVER see in NFL these days. (College games, maybe. But in NFL, it’s all about sniffing the oxygen. Wimps.) Adidas’s IMPOSSIBLE TEAM! With the real players!! Beat that, NBA. One of the absolute best, and probably most expensive, has to be the 2002 Nike SECRET TOURNAMENT. Cantona was in that one, too. For soccer lovers, that commercial was a dream come true. Seven years later, I still watch it a couple of times a month.

Downloadable soccer commercials

A lot of the book is about South Korea/Japan 2002. That might seem a waste of space, but Trekker goes on to compare and contrast 02 and 06, which for a reader/writer like me, is just perfect. The whole book is very personal. No Baedeker this, neither Fodor’s. I hate to use the word “cool”, but this is just a freaking cool memoir. And I don’t even like memoirs.  Also, it has a 20-page introduction, which is mostly the South Korea 2002 experience.  Dude, if it's running to 20 pages, just title it already and call it Chapter One. We won't mind.  Really.

I really like that the back of the book contains a summary of the 06 World Cup with comments. Love that!  There's also a nicely detailed index.  It's a very fan-friendly book, written by a fan of the game.   

I don’t just love soccer. I love it with the enthusiasm of a girl’s first crush. I love it like the promotion you never saw coming, then suddenly it’s yours. Like when you’re going to your first “grownups” party. That fresh, sunny, jubilant, PURE passion. Myopic, consuming, teeth-gnashing, endorphin-releasing, jingoistic soccer.

LOVE & BLOOD gives you sackfulls of gory details. The crappy weather in South Korea: Trekker describes the air as “stew”. Oy! The frantic efforts of the Germans to live in the “here and now”. Drinking. Shantytowns set up for the press. More drinking. Dodgy access to electronics. Impregnable press conferences. Reticent managers. Drink. Hype. Above all things, hype.

Next year, we get to do it all again in South Africa! Break out your vuvuzelas and take a deep breath...

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Related Posts:

· ONE YEAR TO THE WORLD CUP: LEGENDS FORMED & DEFORMED

· ARNS IN THE FAR: RUSSELL & HIS BRAND OF FOOTIE FANDOM (1)

· Germans: Unspontaneous, micromanaging weirdos or gleefully chaotic?

· THE GUARDIAN’S FIVER-isms: A Glossary for Glazey-Eyed

Support WORLD FOOTBALL DAILY and their advertisers.

The Powers That Be: Continental federations

• · UEFA>Union of European Football Association
• · FIFA>Fedédération Internationale de Football Association
• CONMEBOL>Confederación Sudamérica de Fútbol
• · CONCACAF>Confederation of North, Central American, and Caribbean Association Football. USMNT made it to the semifinals of this one, which is currently being played in various venues in the US. As of this posting, games can be seen on ESPN, Fox Soccer Channel and Mexican stations. If the USMNT makes it to the finals, this will officially be the most epic year in the history of men’s soccer since the year Pelé played for the New York Cosmos.

On pondering Frank McCourt, who passed away on July 19, I discovered that I had memories of this author despite never having read anything he wrote.  I saw him once on Charlie Rose and liked the show. I saw a documentary on him and heard his voice talking about the experiences that congealed into Angela's Ashes.  Back in around 2001 or 2002, a student of mine was reading his book in my computer class. Saturday Night Live even had a sketch poking fun at the grinding poverty he depicted in his novel.

Has he written other things? Because AA is the only one I ever hear about.  But given the saucer of water that personifies the mentality of modern media, I'm not surprised.  Frank McCourt has been nowt but a couple of sound bites: Angelas's Ashes and Pulitzer Prize.

This isn't sounding like much of a tribute. And there's a picture of a book cover with a smoking rubber chicken on it.

The tribute has to do with a satire of McCourt written by one Derrick Martin in the book The McSweeney's Joke Book of Book Jokes.  McCourt taught in public high schools for many years before becoming a famous author.  This bit was the first thing I thought of when I heard McCourt had died.  The bit is funny for lots of reasons, depending on what your experience of Irish people is.  On the surface, it's funny because it's so single-minded.  Every teacher has a favorite topic. Apparently, teachers have political leanings as well.  I like it because it's a brilliant piss-take on McCourt. I don't know if he had a sense of humor. I don't know if he would have appreciated what Martin accomplished, but as a teacher, I like it.  As a reader and writer, I like it.  It's just funny.

FRANK MCCOURT'S AMERICAN HISTORY SYLLABUS

by Derrick Martin

Week 1: The Irish

Week 2: Coming to America

Week 3: Marginalizing the Irish people

Week 4: Kicking the bog mud off your boots

Week 5: Ireland

Week 6: My father the Irishman

Week 7: The Italians!? Oh, please!

Week 8: Looking back (on Ireland)

See? Funny!

McCourt, you were not famous for a long time, but you made an impression.  Well done.

FRANK MCCOURT @ AMAZON.COM

London’s THE GUARDIAN online newspaper has a magnificently acerbic column by Barrry Glendenning, Sean Ingle, Paul Doyle, Tom Bryant, Scott Murray and Tom Lutz called “The Fiver”. A fiver usually refers to a five-pound note, but this fiver is probably called that as it is e-mailed to subscribers every day at 5 p.m. Nice.

I typed this up in MSWord and the auto-editor went crazy filling in red and green wavy lines everywhere. Ha! Auto-editor, you suck. At the end of the day, there’s nothing like the human eye to discern right and wrong. Auto-editor and spellcheck have no intuition. Even grammar-check is the equivalent of a 1^st year English teacher who goes by the textbook and nowt else. (There are way too many of those out there.)

“Mr. 15%” – a player’s manager. Rarely spoken of with a positive connotation.

EXAMPLE: Christiano Ronaldo’s Mr. 15% assures Sir Alex that “the gelled one” is happy to graze at ManUre for another year.

Big Vase – The UEFA Champion’s League trophy which looks essentially like a …

Big Paper – THE GUARDIAN itself, I think. Usually referred to in contrast to its subsidiaries or departments.

Big Cup – THE UEFA Champion’s League final. Takes place in late May after 9 months of World Cup-style elimination play. Sometimes not even the best game. In the last 4 years or so, the quarters and semis have been more exciting than the heavily risk-aversive finals.

Big Cup Big Day – the day of the Champion’s League final. The most important game after the World Cup final, but that’s up for debate these days. For the last two years, I would have it on in my classroom tv and tape it at home. Next year, I’m taking that day off to watch it at home from beginning to end. ESPN needs to get their shit together and show the entire post-game festivities, thank you very much!

Fiver Lawyers – in essence, the censors. They make their presence felt: SEE "snip-snip-snip"

Snip-snip-snip – Fiver Lawyers: censored information; usually something very personal or obscene or something that is being swept under the carpet so as not to be libelous even though it’s true.

Knack -- injury

Knack-prone – injury-prone

Toe-knack/knee-knack: i.e. David Beckham and Michael Owen; possibly Rooney, too.

Knacked up (make sure it’s got an “a” in it!) – injured

EXAMPLE: Petr Cech suffered a horrendous head-knack!

“bits and bobs” – alliterative cuteness indicating small chunks of information like gossip, rumors, comments, etc.

“on a free” – a free transfer. Refers to the Bosman Ruling where if a player has finished his contract with a team, he can go to another team and they don’t have to pay any transfer money for him. Synonym: “on a Bosman”.  This phrase not exclusive to the column; sort of common.

EXAMPLE: “Michael Owen has gone to Manchester United on a free now that his contract with Newcastle has expired.”

“a medical” - a medical exam on a player done by the organization he's about to join.  Mandatory prior to finalizing contracts.

pundit - sports critic/writer, perhaps even a broadcaster; often with a sarcastic, demeaning, or otherwise negative connotation.

hack – a lousy pundit

“to neck” – to swallow something; literally or metaphorically

"He" with a capital “H” – Christiano Ronaldo (for now)

EXAMPLE:  Such was the hoop-la generated by His unveiling at the Bernabéu. (Fiver, 7 July)

"At [His] request - who has again expressed [His] desire to leave - and after discussion with [His] representatives, United have agreed to give [Them] permission to talk to [Him],"

______________________________________________________________________

World Soccer Daily

The Guardian>Football>The Fiver

Fox Sports/Soccer

ESPN Soccernet

Previous mention of The Fiver

It were unfortunate that Russell Brand has had such a difficult time of it here in the States.  One might get the impression that everyone hates him.  But they don't all.  Just boring people.  They don't like his packaging.  Why vilify him when so many others deserve it more: Angelina Jolie, Any of the Jacksons.  That Spears woman. Most popular rappers.  Anyone on reality TV.  But this is not a knuckle-rap to the boneheads what slam Russell.  This is actually about a column he wrote for the English newspaper THE GUARDIAN about his soccer team West Ham.

Not to be condescending or pedantic but here’s some background. The “Ham” in West Ham, I think is short for Hammersmith, a section of London. So the team is sometimes called “The Hammers” and their logo includes a couple of crossed sledgehammers. There’s even a reference to them in Monty Python’s Flying Circus. It’s the skit where they’re asking Karl Marx questions about politics and soccer. It’s classic. Check it out.

The thing you need to understand about London is that some of the surrounding sections were named after the trade or guild that operated out of that part of town. Hence Hammersmith may have been the part of town where you could find someone to shoe your horse or fix a nick on your sword. Nowadays, it’s an urban mélange of immigrants, as are most parts of London and its environs.

IRONS IN THE FIRE is the first collection of his columns.  Funny!  Oh my God. HI-larious.  Quippy. Clever. Verbally inventive.  I love that urban London patois where he gets all the pronouns and verbs wrong.  Like Ali G, except funny.  Ali G sounds like an imbecile on purpose.  Russell, in spite of the dodgy grammar, sounds intelligent for all the right reasons: complete sentences, complex ideas, lucidity of expression.  And he writes like he speaks, which is fantastic because I love listening to him talk.  His base voice always sounds a bit incredulous, boyish, and happy-go-lucky.  But he can go deep, and disarmingly high, as well.  He also does, I don't know if he knows this, a damned sexy American accent – the tv exec suggesting the elephant – wow!

So here’s some “bits and bobs” (quotation marks just in case “Big Paper’s” legal team is web surfing) from Russell’s columns that I really got a thrill out of reading for various reasons. If indeed he did write the more sprawling sentences, then I am breathless – even a bit high – from his artistry.

“My account is always unbalanced and frightfully biased so unless these as yet unborn, nameless academics crave the solipsistic scribbling of a highly capricious and volatile witness to events at Upton Park and Soho Square they should probably, on uncovering my writings in some excavated knocking shop, keep digging till[sic] they reach the works of Richard Lacey or Oliver Holte.”

Bit wordy, this. This is one of those sentences that gave me an endorphin high. It’s so well balanced, so rhythmic, so consistently baroque in its structure, that I’m breathless with wonder. It’s a sprawling Blackadder-esque architectural delight.

“scratch my frantic opinions on to the page with the twisted lust of a self-harming adolescent etching anxious, doubtful journals upon her busy wrists.” (Self-harming refers to people who secretly – or not – cut themselves. My students call them “emos”)

Is he really comparing the stress of writing his column to an emo cutting their wrists? Blimey, that’s intense.

“…the sparkle-eyed Sasquatch from Merseyside”. LMAO! He’s referring to Peter Crouch, formerly of Liverpool, but who has since been craned to another team, Portsmouth.

I love this one: referring to the blooming of Joe Cole at WC2006 (not THAT wc, for God’s sake!), he essentially compares Sir Alex to a pervert for “inquiring after Cole like an aged suitor willing the ripening of teenage prey.” That’s a ripe, saucy comment. Sir Alex is not known for his sense of humor, btw.

“Here in England[,] we endure an anxious carnival of pain, a Mardi Gras of malcontent, a samba of sadness.”

This kind of parallel/alliteration combo-phrasing is a structure I tend to use myself. So I was so excited to see it in the book. In fact, I did something similar way back in one of my spending-too-much-money-at-the-bookstore posts. It’s vindication; it’s absolution; it’s a sign from Thoth, the scribe-god, that I don’t completely suck as a writer.

ALL HAIL THOTH -- EGYPTIAN GOD OF SCRIBES & WRITING

BEST OF BRAND:

Irons in the Fire

Russell Brand in New York City

Radio Show: The Best of What's Legal (Bonus Dvd)

Part 2 of his columns! 

[Do not even bother with Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It is an excruciatingly crap movie!]

In the course of the coming year, I will try to highlight soccer books. Don’t be surprised if you see some repeats.  After a spell of distractedness these last couple of months, the Confederations Cup and our national team's amazing accomplishments have inspired me to "get back in the game" (as opposed to "get back ON the game" which is a reference to prostitution).

I started IRONS IN THE FIRE as soon as I took it out of the box.  I was in the car at the time on my way to Smoothie King to get a medium “Light & Fluffy”.  I should know better than to read and drive.  I’ve had my share of fender benders.  But such is the tunnel vision of the habitual reader, especially when it’s a book you’re enthusiastic about. 

I am quite fond of Russell Brand. I like his self-deprecating comedy that enhances his personal vitriol at stupid, ignorant people.  He’s like Eddie Izzard in that sense. Those two guys are so freaking intelligent; it’s a shame that they camouflage it.  Coming out as a transvestite must be a piece of piss compared to coming out as an exceptionally intelligent, even intellectual person. The unwashed, unread masses would forgive a costumed clown before they would accept someone who sees their proud ignorance for the atrocity that it is. 

So, yeah...IRONS.  It’s a collection of Russell’s (can I call you Russell? Ta.)  columns about soccer for the London newspaper THE GUARDIAN during the 2006-07 season – a World Cup preparatory season.  It was a lead-in famous for stories of toe-knack and contract-knack and grudges.  Croatia would be playing an Australian team teeming with half-Croats.  The USA was going to try not to embarrass itself  (and failed horribly).  Germany had had a chemical peel and was looking fresh, shiny and butch with their new manager Juergen Klinsmann. 

But in England, there was a serious lack of creativity.  The team was depending on faded laurels Owen and Beckham, 9/11 of ManU, 3/11 of Liverpool, and a smattering of players from mid-table teams.  I better stop name-dropping because I can’t be arsed to link everything all the time.  Sigh...

One reason I love IITF is because it serves my ever decreasing attention span.  The columns are short, pithy, every-word-counts kind of writing that I love.  Also, writing like one speaks sounds easy to the unschooled, but it's quite challenging.  You have to sound like yourself on purpose.  Elizabeth Gage, in CRAFTING WRITERS, says that one must isolate the quality of writing you want to master. So you basically have figure out what makes you sound like "you", then work from there.

Here are some of the soccer-intensive books I have: